Breaking News Steven Spielberg

This just coming through the wire, but apparently Spielberg is setting out to direct a movie that involves a child with separated parents. 

Get Smart Poster

Oh No! The tie is blowing in her face, she can't do anything. about that  Completely zany!

Whooooah!  Now the hair is blowing in his face.  For heaven's sake, how can one person take so much thing in front of your face comedy.  

Nevermind. 

Why does Steve Carrell have a 12in neck?

We Double Up on Everything

Oh this is NASA we double up on everything.  Uhh, how about we send every fucking ship we got and everyone drill, first country to wins gets 1 trillion dollars how about that.  You guys double up, you are so tough.  Assholnauts.  

I Heard Elizabethtown Was Awful So I Decided To Watch It

I heard Elizabethtown was horrible so I decided to watch it.  I can’t tell if they are doing an accent or not.  Is that reggie miller.  This movie is not in 3d.  as long as you get close enough it in 3d.  I think Cameron crowe thought of this one time he was in his 20’s but he thought of himself going back as a complete failure instead.  That dude is so fucking weird looking.  Back a movie for $5 million dollars we spend $3 million on advertising.  If this is that guy from the dead zone I’ll shit myself.  No it’s fucking that guy from those commercials.  He owns a basketball team.  Make it like a Wes Anderson movie, you have to watch it like that a Wes Anderson movie.   This might be the funniest movie of 2005, am I douche for thinking Elizabethtown was the funniest movie of 2005.  ???

And then Kirsten Dunst shows up what the fuck.  He just made a suicide machine.  It is fait, was he really going to do it.  Who is calling me.  Dad is dead I bet.  Isn’t that what happens.  Yeah dad died.  Oh Susan Surandon is really in this it wasn’t just a commercial.  And I’d take Susan Surandon over that one chick Meryl Streep any day.  Just for the sake of rocky horror and Bull Durham in a Boston accent.  Boston sports fan, always upset about something.  

But guess what this had a budget of $57 billion, almost famous had a budget of $80 million the matrix didn’t even cost that much you know.  I thought his dad was Alec Baldwin.  Is she fakin that accent who is fakin the accent I don’t get it.  Kirsten was playing a mentally handicapped right???  Is this that dude or is it a lesbian from the back.  Orlando bloom, that back of the head shot after he is driving sipping his coffee he looks like a butch female.

Is that the dude from Reno, is that Terry, is that his bro??  Anderson, he guerilla directed this movie.  I have no idea what happened, what happened to Dunst.  Is that martin scorcese’s brother?   Is he not dead did he just crack a fucking smile, what the hell, did I just not notice this?  Is that the food channel chick norma jean or that other souther white hair chick?

D day is in this.  Holy shit,  every time I see him it is always whereabouts unknown.  Was his dad in a band I don’t get that either.  Is that him no that’s the brother.  $40 for that.  All of the college movies there is way too much light.  He is also this guy from Galaxy Quest.  Is that a hotel room.  Was he really going to kill himself.  Did transport back time at no period were there that many old movies on at the same time.  That is a hotel, and there is some kind of party going on. 

Is that a slimmed down phillip Seymour hoffman.  I was leaning forward for so long this feels so good just to lean back.  Or is this a reunion, high school reunion is it.  Is that what all the balloons are for.  Wait a minute his dad died and it is his reunion.  Infinite spiral.  What is with all these fucking mental pictures.  

Oh yeah that kid screaming and that kid with the long hair covering his ears really fast.  Was Tim Robbins in Howard the duck.  Is everyone sweeping that underneath the rug. Location unknown.  D-Day.  Location Unknown. Do they know each other.  It is the reunion I think this is a pornstar.  Oh wait no it is a wedding??? Is it a wedding or is it a reunion now I am fucked up no wait it’s not a reunion.  That’s why he brought the dad that was a dying wish or something.  So are they cousins.  

I have no idea what is going on.  Susan Surandon is doing stand up.  Need something more offensive you know. Is someone going to die here.  Oh cause she is a flight attendant, she can direct traffic.

 There better be like at least 20 minutes left.  This is the most ridiculous jester ever.  What is this tree.  Oklahoma city, is that a tree, a memorial.  I bet she is a head of him or something or she is already there the whole time she already did this.  Those that risk win.  That was fucking short ass movie you don’t remember watching any of that.  It is conceivable that during his success he saved some of his own money and bough all tickets in first class to save himself humiliation if he new another successful business person. 

7/25
If viewed like Wes Anderson movie 17/25

Why does this chick look like a zombie in this poster?

And she is an ambitious New Yorker who is unlucky in love, not my words.  

HOW HARD IS IT TO MAKE A FUCKING MOVIE!!!@!

It seems a couple times each month we get updates on sequels in development for Anchorman, Zoolander, and Old School. How they don't know if they are going to happen, they can't get funding, they can't get a script.  Production dates keep getting pushed back.  These are the people that we put on the pedestal as the upper echelon of the creative force and they are saying that they can't put something together for a few million dollars?   Will Ferrell, you just made $20 million on your last movie, Anchorman 1 cost $26 million and you can't get funding for it?

Meanwhile dozens of filmmakers out there are taking chances on shoe string budgets and maxed out credit cards and getting no way to showcase their film because Ben Stiller decides he wants to screen Reality Bites at Tribeca for its 15th anniversary.  Way to remember the good times Ben by saying those times are impossible now.

I guess it's okay if they just don't want to do it, maybe they are taking the stand that they don't like sequels.  Or maybe they just want to leave the past where it is and move onto different projects.  How do you explain Ben Stiller then though?  I'd hope he'd want to go back to his roots at some point if he really cared.  You don't think a good amount of people would like a Zoolander sequel you have enough time to do a 3rd Meet the Parents, and they might consider it actual thought worthy work. They could hate the character too.  

Enter the Void

 Enter the Void just proves the theory:  do the movie you want to do for a specific budget and it will find an audience you just have to go all out though and you will be accepted.  

Wasn't my cup of tea really, I'd give it 13/20 but I'm glad I watched it. 

Newsweek Can Fuck Off With That Whole Resurection of Mickey Rourke

 Definitely old news but watching Black Swan got me back to Darren Aronofsky movies.  Every time a fucking commercial played we had to hear or see this quote.  Are these guys brain dead?  Mickey Rourke's been proving himself in consistent work over the last 30 years.  I guess the assholes at Newsweek don't go to the movies much.  I'd call more VINDICATION, grab a fucking thesaurus.  Sorry I'm drunk.

Black Swan Was Only Able To Get $13 million for Financing?

(credit to Nick Athanas for the pic) I know it's not a Black Swan, but Swans/Ducks fucking rake.  I kind of wish someone would do swan lake with a real swans sometime, there so funny to look at and act goofy all the time. 

Anywho, word on the street Darren Aronofsky was only able to get $13 million dollars for Black Swan.  Makes perfect sense right.  I mean you have a director that all he does is make oscar worthy films with a huge cult following, and 2 bankable hot women in the leads, why would anyone want to invest more into that.  See we got this movie over here called Fired Up! we need to put $20 million into that instead, because it's got an unproven director and shitty story.  Yes I know completely different financing, producers, companies etc.  But doesn't this all drive the point home of it's all about who you know.  I can see Mr. Aronofsky as the type of person that burns a lot of bridges and doesn't ass kiss all the schmucks/phoneys in order to get more money.  We're only going to get $13 million, fuck them fine.  We'll make the best goddamn movie we can with that because I'm not going to another party so I can tell some producer that such and such was a good idea to try and get another mil.  

I wish I could have been there when the D-man gave everyone the big fuck you finger when the movie crossed $100 mil.   

Marijuana is the Most Dangerous Drug in the World

 I constantly see across the internet, and have to listen to the drivel of pot doesn't harm you. "Hey man, pot killed 0 people so f off, Legalize it dude". But what you all don't get is the chronic is the most hidden detrimental drug in the known universe and it is a plant. Not of our species.

 Let me tell you a tale, a fable so dark it will be your grandma hot. I got an invite to a movie party at a friends house one weekend. I scored some dope pot earlier that month from a guy in the bathroom at a minor league baseball game. I said, "hey I always luuuvvvv movies when I am stoned". Did I mention this friend lives 2 hours away driving time. So I have to fill up gasoline, I figure just in case I break down, I play that scenario more than once in my head while I'm there. By the time I leave the store I have 10 lottery tickets (because I kind of want to be that guy that they find the dead body and he has the winning lottery ticket, the wtf moment of the week you know), 2 baked potato flavored pringles cans, gummy worms, twizzlers, a bag of jelly beans, and a 6 pack of Mikes Hard cranberry. Everything just in case.

 I'm in the car 2 hours (45 minutes is backwoods shit). I feel like I am Mr. Toads Wild Ride, and those trolls scared me when I was 9. I get there and boom the paranoia hit. I don't know if everyone can smell it on me. I like to wear husky, hooded sweatshirts. and sweat pants so sue me. But this time to be classy I put these jeans on I got from mom that didn't fit my dad no more. For some reason they are much tighter than I remember. In my dazed state I decided nah it would be fine. That could be another problem.  Their two dogs go crazy after smelling me, uh oh, were they previous police dogs, are the police here?!

Then it starts. I gorge on food and I don't know if it's obvious what I'm doing. This guy always cooks way too much. He plans for 50 and only gets 10 type person. It doesn't stop. There is that urban/true legend that if you keep giving a beagle food it will eventually eat itself to puke/death because it won't stop. That was me. Everything was awesome. The courses kept coming, sushi, nachos, mac and cheese with hamburger helper, peanut butter ice cream cake then those chocolate covered pretzels cause the chick works for Nestle. Basically the pretzels = popcorn, it was always available along with tortilla chips. They also served ribs that he had been slow-roasting all afternoon between the 4th and 5th movie. I hate fucking Andy Warhol, what a sham.  I also finish all the food I brought because sweet, sugary snacks and loads of them do nothing but good to your GI system, especially when you eat a pound of ribs. 

It is now the 3rd day and I haven't felt like eating. I went boa constrictor that night/day I might not have to eat for a damn week. It doesn't feel good. In my life time, my personal goal was not shitting for eight days, but i had the help of pain killers, and my aunt's Buttered Hen soup which looked like clam chowder. This might over due it since it was all done over 7 hours. 7 days of eating in 7 hours. Remember that movie Jacob's ladder.

But all in all it was a pretty fun night. I saw the Brothers Bloom, and Little Children for the first time, solid movies, maybe the 2000's in film wasn't so bad.  We have to admit they tried to add a lot of new things during those years, I think it turned out for the better. I mean should we not count the excitement up until seeing it as part of the entertainment, I was . Still cheap comparatively.

One Day...Americans won't try to do a British Accent

I'm not saying that Hathaway did a horrible job at it.  She's a great actress and it's passable.  The thing is I know she is a American actress, I've heard her voice dozen of times, all I can think when I hear that accent is phoney, and it takes away from the movie.  She could have done an exact replication of an exeter wench and I still wouldn't believe it.  It's slightly different going the other way, mainly because I don't know a lot of the British actors when star in American movies, I'm not that familar with them.  Scoial Network was the first time I saw James Garfield, the accent didn't bother me.  Had I seen Never Let Me Go and Red Riding first I'd say what the fuck.  If it's a comedy then it's okay too since it's already supposed to be stupid. 

But in particular with this movie, why not make Anne Hathaway just an American girl that went to the UK to study and ends up staying for him (or some other guy) and changing her life.  Wouldn't that make for a more interesting story?  I guess since it's based on a book that might be hard.  They should have seen what the author thought.  Since they decided to go with Anne H, maybe she should have a change in mind or be more open.  If it wasn't part of a book shouldn't that be the way to go, instead of having someone do an accent they try to learn from a speech coach over a couple months how about they just what's natural and figure out a way to make it part of the story.   Accents have just such a higher probability to stink why chance it.

According to Maxim Rosie Huntington-Whiteley is the hottest woman on the planet?

Wow wasn't even on the list at all last year (or the year before), and this year shoots all the way #1!!!  What's that she has a big blockbuster movie coming out this year and this might help with publicity.  These positions can be bought?  Can't be.  I know I love my women when they look like a coked out bull terrier.  Then again 70% of the chicks on this list look like a mogwai. 

And not even on the list...yeah makes a lot of sense Maxim, idiots.  Have some class ladies.  That is the sexiest thing of all.