Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Dark of the Moon?


Did Pink Floyd have anything to do with the new transformers movie being named Dark of the Moon?  Like they had the hardcore copyright on it and it couldn't be even be toppled by the juggernaut of Bay/Bruckheimer.  That would be funny.  They are throwing everything they can at them, women, power, money, and they are not going to budge on being associated with that piece of shit movie.  Let's face it Transformers wasn't as good as it could have been and Shia Labouefrfer ruined the movie.  A big defense to any negativity of this movie is, what did you expect, it's a movie about giant robots fighting each other, it's not oscar worthy, it is a popcorn flick, dum dee dum dee.  Well exactly, it is a movie about fighting robots, and I paid to see fighting robots.  But how much do the robots fight, how much are they a central part of what is going on?  I don't care about stupid comedy bits, John Turturo and government cover ups, a ridiculous scene featuring Jon Voight, a fat black man, and a skinny white girl with an austrailian accent chase around a small robot like it is a chimp on meth, the first 20 minutes, talking about ebay, a fucking 8 minute scene taking place in the backyard of a house, that this family has a quirky sounding last name like every other big budget summer movie does that needs clarifying every 10 god damn minutes,  that curly hair fuck talking to himself and trying to get Megan Fox.  Or anything else, show robots fighting each other all the time.  Have a very basic story.  Throw a few humans and crowds in for good measure, I don't need to know where they went to college, or who they are trying to fuck.  Show them dying in cool ways trying to defend earth that is it. And this isn't a war between alien species, it is a fight.  It's like he's trying recreate West Side Story or something.  You know why Independence Conquered 1996 because of shear volume.  We saw all those jet planes in trailer shots, and we creamed our pants.  I want to see 2000 robots battling.  Make a bunch of new characters.  Think of all the new vehicles they could have done. 

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Meryl Streep is 62, what the hell?

Today is Meryl Streep's 62nd birthday.  Wow, and it seems like she can still grip it, and rip it. 

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Wonder Boys

Why did they make Wonder Boys this way?  Katie Holmes tell the guy from Wall St to stop smoking pot to write better, he does but the then in the end he is turning out drivel, sitting at his laptop like a douche.  Was it supposed to be that kind of commentary?  I think I would rather be the guy in the pink bathrobe churning away at the typewriter with a 2000+ page book than sitting up in that attic, all cool and collected.  I guess he does get Francis McDormand and a kid, and maybe that's what life is all about. 

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

We Never Saw Charlotte Have Sex Right?

Wilbur and Charlotte hang out the whole movie, then all of a sudden Charlotte has that sack full of kids.   What the hell happened there?  So she was getting it on while Wilbur was sleeping or eating?  Probably had a whole host of gentlemen callers, trying to get pregnant before she died.  Slut. 

Monday, June 6, 2011

Where do these Demon Posters Keep Coming From?

It seems like every day now I turn around and there is some new movie poster for a 90's movie.  What is happening, where are these coming from?  Why is Nancy Travis normal and Mike Myers look like a 12 year old boy.

True story I pitched my dad a sequel to this when I was in 5th grade.  I couldn't sleep in my grandma's apartment in Jersey.  It was August and she didn't believe in AC.  Anyway I think I woke up him up and I said "how about instead of married, it is dating, 'So My Son is Dating an Axe Murderer', and it is their kid down the line", the poster would be the kid in front of the two giving the big shoulder shrug.  There was also a scene where he thinks that she poisoned an entire cake and shenanigans ensue.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

What Scenes To Change in Xmen First Class

Review - Spoilers:  As an Xmen film I'd probably rate it 3rd for now.  Maybe repeat viewings will push it over.  Far and away better than The Last Stand, honest question can Brett Ratner drive?  The constant location subtitles kind of wore on.  A lot of the locations they didn't even need, and some of them it was well known where they were.  It also felt a little too CW to me at times, Smallville that's it, and maybe some Dawsons.  Maybe because Havoc looked more like a whiny bitch, what was he in prison for skateboarding after 10?  Fassbender clearly stole the show.  He played it, dare I say, better than Sir Ian.  I think fan boys can agree fassbender gave magneto that toughness that had been lacking before.  Singer's Magneto came off more like a Hannibal Lector, capable of small bits of terrific evil.  However his role was mostly of the evil genius, rather than a Evil General, someone that reflects the dirt of life well.  A couple times in Singer I thought Magneto would bust out a nail file. 

What to change:  The coin scene.  This scene was actually one of my favorites in the film.  It got things kind of going, even though it turned out it was surrounded by a lot of slow, pointless character setup, and settings.  In the movie Kevin Bacon asks Magneto as a boy to move a coin with his power or watch him kill his mother.  The coin doesn't move after a good try I guess from Magneto, and Kevin doesn't flinch in putting down the mother.  After witnessing this he goes into full on rage and everything metal starts shaking.  The two guards who brought the mother have their skulls crushed with their metal helmets.  An experiment room off the side incased in glass starts going shit canned.  But something seemed a little off.  It felt like a scene was missing.  Would a young boy about his age go into full on rage just standing there if at all.  You would think he would feel nothing but sadness and regret and rush over to her, but nothing.  What they should have done is have Magneto move the coin a little bit.  This is a boy who only moments before crushed a fence when he was just taken away from his parents.  Now he know that if he doesn't move a coin she will die.  You would think he could move it a tad.  Magneto, thinking he passed smiles joyfully, but nothing is happening with his mum.  Kevin wants to bring out his full rage for a full effect, so he cheats.  He looks down and shakes his head then smiles, and the boy then seems confused and frightened by this.  Kevin asks the soldiers "Did you see it move" and they both shake their heads no, because he is authority.  This would have played more into the "following orders" theme throughout the movie.  Also gives more impact to Magneto crushing the helmets of the two guards.without sorrow, because he believed them to be spineless for not being righteous and therefore only worthy of death.  A characteristic that maybe Magneto should have in future segments. 

Speaking of that time period, it might be interesting to see exactly what Shaw did to him to bring out his powers.  He has that flashback and it seems to be his key to accessing his powers for awhile.  Was it a marathon man/dr giggles scenario.  I don't know. 

You don't kill the rest of the team?:  Shaw was the guys name.  So Shaw and his goons storm the secret CIA location of the mutants kill everyone in site, even a guy who thought shooting a rocket launcher inside in a circle was a good idea.  Did that guy think, someone is storming the building, I better go get the rocket launcher.  He probably was a mutant who was a psychic and knew he was going to die, but didn't know how, so he figured might as well give it a go, shoot a rocket launcher in my life.  Anyway Shaw says if you aren't with us you are against us, that stripper with wings goes with him, and everyone stands around.  Finally havoc and the black dude they surprising kill off, darwin, telegraph their impractical hope of saving her.  Darwin dies and the bad crew walk off.  You just said if you aren't with us you are against us.  Why does he let them live, they are CIA trainees, of course they will suck now but get really good.  I think they wasted a chance for a good 10 minute mutant on mutant battle here.  Shaw could have had one more bad mutant that he put up to the task with the devil guy and he walk off with gspot torando.  Shaw figures they will handle them easily, his cockiness that will lead to his downfall eventually.   The extra guy could have died, and the devil guy could have been maimed by Beast (see next paragraph).  You could have shown a good action scene, along with developing character as they all use their power they get better and survive the battle but they lose.  Good lesson in all.  They could have had another good mutant too and have them die so it shows the movies crew aint playin.  Are they going to really try and form a team with just these people?  Look at how many mutants Charles was finding.  But you got to try and kill them, at least try, they will survive but it will be a close call.  Havoc loses it or something.  Speaking of which why is the bad guy only rolling with a crew of 4.  Add a couple fall guys just to take the edge off.  Bigger, super strength fellows.  One of the disposable guys or maybe both.  A rocksteady beebop is what i'm going for.

Beast:  I get it dudes a nerd, a geek, wimpy and more ackward with huge feet (why not hands too, wasn't that in comics), but by the end he is called Beast because of how he snaps, and amps his shit up.  Just do it once when he was a human, that's all I want.  Have him snap, have him show that flare of animal instinct beastiality, or alteredbeast.  This could be shown in that battle above.  He cuts off the arm of the devil guy.  That gives their fight in the end more dynamic because it is the second duel.  Maybe the devil guy has regenerative ability and the arm is a stub that he can use as a club though, it is all fat.  But with the arm cutting off, the devil guy is about to hurt Raven and Hank snaps.  He fashions a weapon out of a lamp, a coat hanger, and a piece of glass, like that guy macgyver.  he figures out a way to cut the glass and makes essentially a surgical blade.  and slices it off like butter.  But before, he gymnastically battles a little.  Also what the hell was up with his mouth and talking, it didn't move sometimes.  Was that a $160 million movie quality?

Kevin Bacon - Was brilliant as always.  Kind of pitter pattered towards the end, but evil work should be springing up down the line.  

The wolverine cameo was pointless - give it to me after the credits or deleted scene.  You travel all the way he says fuck off and that's it.  It's like the Shaw scene.  This whole movie seems to be characters that know they are limited by the script.  If you are going to do the scene though at all at least have Magneto and him kind of jab back and forth.  Magneto wouldn't walk away from that.  A holocaust survivor probably wouldn't.  Wolverine could have retracted his claws, and Magnet could say as he is being dragged out since they were about to fight "if those were made of metal you wouldn't be so tough".  Boom.  

Overall probably 6 out of 10.  Fassbender/McCovoy/Bacon and last battle scene made up for a lot of shortcomings.  The final battle although not a best, you can admit a lot of shit was happening at least, there was a goal at least talked about and accomplished.  It went over a lot of things that have already been addressed in the previous ones.  I hate when they have the power presentations to each other but that is just me.  Things seem to happen only because they were in the script.  They said they were going to start world war III, so they went to each side, said they were going to do it, and it happened.  Seemed too dull for something that intricate.  Will we ever see great mutant on mutant battle scenes in any xmen, ones that involve more than one on one, or two on one mutant.  I want to see an orgy just once.  What the hell was up with that thing Mystique said at the end with beast and then just them all holding hands.