Diet Coke Wants You To Know, Without Them There Are No Movies

so don't let it freeze.

Mission Accomplished!

 (Not really but that's the best part of the rejected James Bonded footage)

I saw this opening weekend so it's been awhile, and I'll try to piece together what I remember.  But just seeing them do those scenes at the oscars brought all these emotions back finally.  But honestly, think of one thing that was in this movie that wasn't already done in James Bond, and I've never even seen a James Bond movie.  This probably was a script called James Bond:  Ghost Protocol.  Just take out Ethan Hunt and put in Ethan Cunt and you're gold. 

Oh cool it is the guy from lost.

That prison scene really threw me for a loop.  Since when did the IMF turn into the asshole patrol.  You know the whole 0 body kill thing. They just let all the prisoners loose in this prison. Prison guards with families aren't going to die? The prisoners are just going to give them indian burns and noogies. Because those work out so well in real life anyway. When Tom Cruise goes back in I thought that is what he is going to do something about it.  That he realized hey wait a minute those are a lot of bad people I just let out of their cages that they have been tormented behind for crimes that they most definitely committed for the majority, but instead he breaks out a guy just so he can get in contact with a black market arms dealer that has sold soviet nuclear satellites to powerful people in India who give up secret codes very easily. These are all such great people that are working together.

I thought they missed a good chance in the beginning that he was really a double agent.  When they are in that van and Tom Cruise says to skip this one test that the chick is doing to verify it is his him since they seem to run into a lot of those over the last 3 movies.  The test is there for a reason, and he says to skip it??  They could have had a back and forth.  Like I'm supposed to do this, and he constantly refuses and it gets a little dark.  Like is he a fake agent.  Maybe this explains why he let all those murderers murder prison guards and probably later cops and school children.  Or he could be ethan, he is just pushing her to follow protocol, he is trying to teach her that she needs to follow protocol (even though it may be a ghost).  Perfecly fine Ethan Hunt characteristic.  

I had no idea what was going on, who was the bad guy for awhile.  He was only up on video screens the first few times I think.  They were trying to get nuclear codes that a guy on a train was carrying.  They call out that Major Russian guy at his desk just doing his job when he asked to see ID.  No I'm general such and such, you should know who I am.  Even though they are not wearing masks as Tom Cruise decides to point out, but it would make too much sense to have masks to break into the Kremlin, wouldn't it?  Instead they use a fake screen a la Toys to break in?  Apparently it's the only secure door that the security guard protecting it would have to go around his desk and run 25 yards to protect. It's one guy at a desk, take him out.  They'll except that, this just makes him look incompetent.  Don't worry he, and that guy guarding the gate or metal detector are probably dead after their entire building exploded anyway.  Speaking of that, with the soldiers at the Kremlin, he hears over his communication com that there is a detonator about to blow something up big but then he makes these soldiers close this door trapping them in before he runs out.  You could have told everyone to start running, like it was a drill for them.  Soldiers go running all the time. And oh yeah, the Kremlin?  All these Soviet looking soldiers doing marches with Russian chants over the score, not meant to seem Socviet at all, and I've never heard of that in a James Bond movie either. 

I liked Simon Pegg in the last one, it worked well for that situation, in that amount of time he was in it.  Now we are supposed to believe that he went from a career doing that gizmo stuff at home base to just jumping to be some kind of field agent?  Which I would think you would need a near lifetime of military training to even think about what he ends up doing, but he says he passed some test fairly recently, so they give him the missions that involve the nuclear codes right away.  There aren't some girls in Japan that have been kidnapped by a renegade shogun warrior that he could stop first, something with not a lot of potential to destroy the world.  

That whole switcheroo in dubai was looney tunes.  Why wouldn't that code guy just lie?  Isn't that a more noble thing to do, uh sacrifice myself so a nut doesn't get access to nuclear weapons, nope I'm going to try to save my ass and my family.  They always make him out to be such a great character but that's just asinine.  YOu have an opportunity to stop a made man and you decide to give him the codes even though you know you are mostly likely dead anyway.  Millions of people are going to die, so you can probably leave your wife in 10 years and your kids will grow up to hate you anyway.  Then the IMF comes up with this ingenious plan to switch the rooms completely around so make each of them think they are in a room with the other person but they are in a room with an agent because they are following the slim chance that they never met.  Let them get in the same room and gas the fuck out of them, steal some gas from somewhere.  Gas the room, knock them out and interrogate them.  You kidnapped PSH in broad daylight at a crowded party in the Vatican, but you couldn't handle a few people in private rooms.  Honestly they don't encounter anyone else in this seemingly very busy hotel when they are running around the halls and pulling shenanigans on the elevator.  Not even in the supposedly secure room warehousing the hotels networking security.  Create a vacuum and blow the windows out so it looks like an accident.

So the main bad guy, wore a face mask of his bodyguard to this meeting?  That assassin chick was weak, she had nice floppy boobs though.  Sawyer from lost has these contact lenses in that allow him to identify people right in his eye, but then 10 minutes later it has to send the recognition to his phone, it couldn't have pulled up in his eye that this hot blonde walking alone in an alley might be an assassin? 

The whole year was, oh wait until you see the car, you gotta see the car, it was onscreen for 30 seconds and most of the time it was just doing map quest on the dashboard.  That's it?  It still gets stuck in traffic, you got dominated by a herd of goats.  What happened to the ghost protocol, whatever they had in that train was their only option, but apparently somewhere in the world they were hiding a $5 million dollar car.

Why is the Russian guy the only one going after them?  They are Ghost Protocol, shouldn't every secret world major force be coming for them, tracking them down, and bringing them to justice.  That would make a 2000% better movie.  50 super agents hunting them down around the world.  They blew up the Kremlin, probably be listed as one of the world's worst terrorist acts, but you just got one worn out detective on your tail, fuck that noise. 

They made Jeremy Renner think it was his fault that Ethan's wife was dead.  Pretty much the whole movie.  I think he revealed it when they were having drinks in the end.  Was it just me or did I remember hearing something about Jeremy Renner being some kind of double agent?

Ving Rhames is in it, in the last 2 minutes drinking dos equis, spoiler. After all this I guess I just can't enjoy movies anymore.

PS.  They should have let the nuclear bomb explode and add 20 more minutes of ending where he still catches some other bad guy as a result he has to live with the fact that they didn't accomplish their mission because this time it was impossible.

PPS the 8 minutes of Batman was worth it though

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind Called...

...it wants is their scene back. That is unless Zales and Fox Searchlight came to some agreement because Zales was really pushing to use that part where after Elijah Wood mentally raped that chick, he gave her the present that he stole from Jim Carrey, how sweet.

The Most Fucked Up Movie of the Year Award (Based Only on Trailers so far)

Melancolia


Take Shelter


Don't be Afraid of the Dark


We Need to Talk About Kevin


Insidious


I actually saw this one since it's on Netflix.  The ending was just like a nightmare. There was so much in the movie it's like you are in a haunted house, and the only thing that can save you is classic rock.

The year just seemed to have a lot of movies that were very cerebral movies, ones that seemed a little off and able to get under skin for awhile. Muted is a good word to define this year.

I don't know, winner is...We need to talk to kevin.  That trailer is weird.

Poltergeist: WHY THE FUCK DOES THE FAMILY STAY IN THAT HOUSE!!!!

Saw Poltergeist for the first time last week.  At least in it's entirety.  I'd always seen bits and pieces on the TV.  I've seen that chair scene about a dozen times, and the very ending 3 or 4, swimming pool a few I guess. But I had no idea that a bunch of shit went down, then there was a break and they thought it was over, then worst shit happened.  My questions is why the hell are they staying in that house after even half of the stuff that goes on the first time.  Oh yeah that midget lady from our realm can really send unknown demons, of unknown origins and powers, back to their world and defeat them.  They play by rules of logic I guess.  No, your daughter gets sucked into another dimension you grab her ass as soon as she comes out and run out that door and napalm your house.  I don't care how much it costs.

Another Movie Needs to Step Up Like 28 Days Later in the Worst Way

And I mean Zombie movie.  Even though it wasn’t technically a zombie movie I suppose, but what is a zombie movie just where humanity turns on the killing switch and starts the apocalypse by consuming themselves.  Boyle flipped every Zombie convention on it’s head with that movie, and it made one of the most refreshing movie experiences of the last 15 years if you were a fan of the genre, or if you are just a fan of solid movies.  You just have so many films over the last few years using the same devices, the same plots, same stories, same twists, cliché after cliché.  Oh my daughter was bitten but I won’t kill her to put her out of her misery, wah wah wah. I thought Zombieland would be this, but it dissappointed.  Way to throw in that Woody Harrelson's kid died, that's what I want to see in a comedy, we already liked him, you didn't need this, but oh yeah now we know he's fighting for something, thanks. 

This goes back to the old movie vs new movie debate mentioned in dirty harry.  There are hardly any refreshing movies nowadays, which is what has made Danny Boyle a force, every movie that guy has done has been completely different from the one before.  Being refreshing is really the key to making a great movie, or doing anything whether it be making a mint julep, or cooking general tso chicken, don't have to be so new that no one really cares anyway to "understand" you.  Take established themes and give us a story we've never experienced before, use cinnamon. The Matrix was somewhat new in regards to storyline, but it was just shown in a completely unique way at that time.  Does it have to be perfect, no, just enough to be compelling, memorable, and different from the status quo.  You can't have a dr. seus machine spewing scripts from the same type set over and over again, unless your adam sandler.

Zodiac: Our Justice System Can't Prosecute Evil Genius'

The main theme running through this whole thing is who is the zodiac, where is he going to strike next, who is going to solve it.   Meanwhile all they do is collect evidence upon evidence for 20 years or something.  They question all these different people, worst of the worst suspects, the few dirty.  They pretty much nail them on multiple accounts of damn good similarities, and they find out that these are some pretty evil people in some way.  But there is just all this stupid bureaucracy with it that makes you sick.  Fincher seemed to want to stress this.  You have regular good people who want to make society better and they are trapped like Frodo in that Spider cave. 

Isn't that why gangsters/gangstas hardly ever went to jail.  They always have other people vouching for their whereabouts, and because we just have to take into account that they are telling the truth.  But that's the fucked up thing, then once you do something to make it tougher on gang members, that effects the rest of the society and it limits our freedoms.  The relationship between security and crime is inverse to the nth degree.  A lot of our taxes are going to crime prevention, is that preventing crime or creating more type deal. Not only that but the aforementioned gangs have the resources to find loop holes and the such meaning actual innocent people are in prison while the real trouble makers still roam the streets.  The soldiers are always the ones to go down first.  

They also throw out a lot of evidence based on seemingly inconsequential things.  The hand writing is different?  they spend a little more than needed amount of time on this matter.  And that handwritten expert?  Great life man.  He slips in that little nugget oh handwriting doesn't really change.  If you train yourself, enough pressure and time you can do anything.  Are you trying to tell me that Hannibal Lector couldn't change his handwriting?  Either that's who the Zodiac was, or there were just a bunch of copycats and you just arrest every suspicious mother fucker.  Didn't that one bald guy expose himself to kid?  Just lock him up agian for that sake.  On the account of him being just weird.